Saturday, 18 December 2010

On the Cusp

I must admit that until fairly recently I had felt like I was on the outside of the human race - not an outcast, but something that was not-quite human. Looking for all the world normal, but knowing I must have been quite different.

As I sit now, listening to an interesting ambient soundtrack that somehow completely captures that feeling - a little cool, a little calm, a little edgy and alien, I can totally remember what that felt like. Isolation is a strange thing - not true isolation, which is in itself a beast, but isolation of the heart...being adrift, being other, never have being touched like you meant something more than being just 'company' or a friend.

As lonely as that is...sometimes it feels like only you can see a truth that no others know, and it is sometimes a wondrous thing.

That is no longer a world I belong to however, and heh, I now feel I have to actually watch my tongue with what I say. Ah, it was strange but freeing to say whatever I liked, safe in the knowledge that no one would ever see my glib lines and amusing quips as anything but innocent. That no one could ever think it was a pickup, not because I wasn't attractive, but simply because I lacked that human quality...that my otherworldliness led me never to be thought of or considered in that way.

So strange now that I should write this, it is two-thirty in the morning, and yet it feels like the ever twilight of my heart.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Screaming at the wind

"One thing I can say for certain is that in life, in growing up, we all face our own trials. For some people these are minor, for some, earth-shattering. For some they bite so deep they leave claw marks far below the surface, where none may know of them. Sometimes you can confide in your family, sometimes your comrades or friends, and sometimes you can't ever tell anyone and it burns a hole deep inside of you.

There's something that I've learnt in my life, and it's difficult to explain, but I'll try. It is simply the nature of strength. You may be broken, you may be damaged, and you may have fallen low. You may be crushed and you may be despairing, but when you feel like there is nothing left and you cry your heart out in the depths of the night, take one last look inside yourself.

Deep inside, past the loneliness, the self-loathing, the sadness, you will find one thing. A rage so pure, so hard, so undirected. A rage that hates everything. A hard nugget of pure hate and darkness that you might not even want to look at.

But have another look. Tap that jet black obsidian core with a whisper in the dark and watch it scream back at you. As you curl up in defeat, stubbornly feed it encouragement and it will roar with you. And when you lay on your last legs, grasp it in hand and feel the power rush into you. Defiance, pure defiance, is the birthright of every human that has ever lived and ever will. It is what defines us, what makes us strong, what makes us not go quietly into the night. It is what makes us spit in the face of death and refuse to back down from what we feel is right.

Defiance is your soul burning, the shining gold underneath the black of night. Nurture it, Temper it, Control it. Make it your strength, not your weakness, and you will become a force to be reckoned with."

- Denthar Vaun, Five Minutes of Hope ~

Friday, 16 July 2010

The Wind and the Rain

So...How are you, my true self?

It's been a while since i've added to this place...a lot of things have happened, and have not. Humans are such strange creatures, living such short lives...but for me, a year is like a week and a blink, another unfulfilled page turns, the book half written, destiny denied..

The wheels continue to turn.

But for me? Yes, I am afraid of the big wide world. Why shouldn't I be? Because the world is big and full of little people, how can I be big there? I think I would rather be a part of my small world and be able to be big myself.

However, that option is denied me.

So I move closer to the big world...but hope I don't become small.

And inside, I howl at the moon. These restless feet...god I am old now, is my life still waiting? Can I still grab it? Why do I lack the simple power to run to the horizon?

But i'm walking.

Walk with me too.