Monday, 28 December 2015

The problem with being part human

I started late. Really I did. At least by society's standards.

I stumbled into my first relationship at the age of twenty-seven, if I recall correctly, and after that there was my most serious relationship and since then, nothing really serious. It takes a while to heal, to regroup, to re-align. That's natural.

But the problem with being part human is that that piece is the part that usually gets you into trouble. Well, scientifically speaking, 99.1% of the time. Really, that's a fact. And what I haven't been prepared for is, after realising that I can actually be in a relationship with someone, how seductive that idea really is.

For me, it's always been about finding the one. Finding the mate that I wish to wake up next to for the rest of my days. The one that will understand the depths of my heart and soul, and be with me through all the trials and fun ahead. But now I find myself faced with a different human problem; desire.

I can be alone, really, I can. And I am no stranger to desire, having gone many years desiring the company of many different women. The problem now is that although I have the same desires at times, I no longer feel the same limitations. Both companionship and romantic relationships are now within my reach. And although there's no guarantee my ardor would be returned, I still find myself reaching to begin relationships.

And I probably shouldn't.

The problem really manifests when I see someone I want. Someone I want, but not where the world is shattered and I need to be with that person. Just someone I would like to be romantically engaged with. Someone who it would be nice to while away the time with, talk with, explore and be attracted to, seductive with.

But not someone I'd smash through the boundary between worlds to be with.

And that's just not my kind of thing. I want the earth-shattering, lightning-struck, time-stopping love. I want that bolt of recognition, and steaming, jittery excitement. I want to feel magic coursing through my body from my feet to my fingertips. I want to step into a dream of a world that I never thought I could reach, and find her there. Most likely on her own adventure.

I don't want in the mean time, I want the all time.

But the problem with being part human the mean time if I can reach out and hold something, I probably will. Not because I should, but because I can.

So I sleep, and count the minutes, hours, and days until I do something that will send me hurtling through the abyss. Hoping beyond hope that she will somehow show up to save me.

I can wait, but as the seconds tick by I realise every second I am without her is an eternity too long.

And in the mean time...