Tearstained Dreams

It seems like things are going my way.

With a little temporary work to spur my efforts in december and focus my mind on the completion of my novel in november, it would seem I have nowhere to go but up. I'm even being fairly social recently, attending a few events here and there and talking to new people. I'm daring to hope that I can actually complete this novel, and start on my true profession. What I've been waiting for all this time, I'm sure. Yeah, right.

I was completely unprepared for how I feel right now.

I'm not really a depressive person. I can be harsh, cynical, and have despised myself in the past. But that's been long in the past. And I can't really lay this feeling at any kind of door but my own.

But this deep sadness fills my soul like nothing else. It's the sound of a broken heart in the dark. It's the sound of the heart of this betrayer shattering over and over again.

I can't believe I won't be there for her. I can't believe I won't be able to give her everything.

This was a life decision, and I still hope to the heavens it was the right one. It wasn't working, I couldn't cope and we weren't right for each other. I'm sure of it.

But that doesn't mean I don't love her. Or rather, didn't.

I'm a broken person, I think. For my entire life I've believed in a particular type of love, and I still do, I believe in that connection, that belonging, that desire. That electric thrill. Indeed, I do sometimes feel that thrill with certain people and all they need to do is step into the room. Sometimes I realise I haven't even seen them yet. Almost like there was a potential, somehow woven into destiny, that I don't even understand but against all odds can feel.

But...I think I might be the wrong person. If there's someone pulling strings up there, well you're wrong! I don't want to be the one breaking hearts. I'm not made to do harm, it's not something I love. And doing it to those in my heart is like ripping my soul to pieces.

If I have to, I will defy you, and live life alone. Because I won't settle for anything less, at all, but I won't go on hurting the people I care about.

This one was enough.