Learning to fall again

I never thought I'd be this person.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt of a girl, someone I remembered having dreamed of before. My dream girl, as it were, sparkling in delight at seeing me again.

And I was reserved. Inside I overflowed with joy at finding her again but outwardly I was cool, reserved, matter-of-fact. And I realised that I had doubts. I had fears. I was wondering if I was right or if she wasn't actually the one. My dream girl. Sure she wasn't perfect, and was perhaps a little inebriated and giddy, but she was everything I wanted. And as her bright eyes looked at me, I felt a surge of joy, and then promptly began avoiding her gaze, turning brusque and businesslike.

To her question of why I didn't find her, I replied that she could hardly expect me to find someone who disappears so suddenly. Dream me is a real square, apparently.

It gets better. In the throng of the underground bazaar, I lost her somewhere, only to find later that she is in a ring about to begin a bout. The doorman told me that if I went up there, I would have to fight too. That gave me pause and I clearly remember my sense of helplessness, wondering what I could do. It apparently being obvious to myself that I couldn't fight.

Bruised and bloody, she ends up in my arms, as I carry her looking for someone to bind her wounds. I'm sure she runs a finger along my cheek before she disappears again. The dream shifts, but it hardly matters any more...


I never thought I'd be like this. Someone too scared to love again, too scared to try because it might not be right again. Someone who is all duty and responsibility, and sheds passion and energy like they are a dark plague. Someone afraid to fight for what he loves.

I think I have become a little too restrained. Repressing my desires and passions, my excitement and naked frustration, getting used to disappointment and all the while smothering my flame.

This is not the person that flew half way around the world for love. This is not he who marries happy and ridiculous with thoughtful and serious. This is not him that believes. Who takes hope as his eternal spring.

This is not me.

I refuse.


Next time we're going to fly. And I'm going to fall...