Disconnect

Context: I'm on Discord a lot, it's a chat program with multiple servers, a bit like IRC but with a nice interface, gifs, and voice chat. I was posting this to someone but then moved it here.

A server I've recently joined there has some fun people in it, and a few are fairly young women, smart, cool, witty, etc. Over the last few weeks I've gotten to know them and I quite like them. And it's an interesting dynamic for me, because they're funny and interesting and single. Anyway...sometimes when I say I'm old people don't really understand the meaning behind that, but it's days like this that kind of highlight not my age, but the difference in my lifestyle. These people go out on the weekend and during the week, and live it up. They date and have relationships and friends, and that's all cool.

At least, it is for them. The problem with being around people that you're interested in, is when they go out and do things you're reminded that you're not really in their lives. Moreso when you realise they're living a lifestyle that you've never had and feel like is in the past for you. And tonight I felt the strangest feeling as they went off. Not a little jealousy, which I'm generally used to by now, but that more and more I've started to miss a life like that. One I've never had, and also been somewhat scared to have.

I want a lot of things in my life, but I deal with what I don't have because I know it has been my choices and my fear, and perhaps my laziness also, that has caused them. But one thing that makes me not feel somewhat disconsolate about is when I know people are out there having a ball and I'm just sitting around at home. I wouldn't rather they be home too, I'd rather be out there, living it up. And sometimes I feel a little like I'd like to be with them as well.

It just reminds me, sometimes, of all I don't have and all I want. And sometimes it reminds me of the gap between myself and younger people, people my own age, and even people older than I.

It gets to me a little. Because I'm reminded that I'm a little lonely and I want love, too. And even if they're not out there finding soul mates and whatnot, I still think "hey these are cool people I like, why aren't I with one of them?" Of course it's not anything like that easy, or advisable, it just makes me think of everything I wish was true for myself.

Even though I know wishes don't make anything...